The end/beginning

I've ended it with the person I was seeing. Reflecting back, I see myself as a better person before I met him. True, there were some serious upheavals in my life during our time together. And I may have been the person I am regardless of our involvement, but I feel better without him. A little worn for the wear, but better. Freer. More me.

I don't want to vent or digress, but he wasn't getting me to where I need to be. He was distracting me (and himself) instead of moving forward. It just took me a little time to figure that out. I feel like I give everyone time and none extra is given to me. Time runs out.

I made a list of goals yesterday and ways to achieve them were defined. I want to go in the right direction and speed my life up. There was a time when everything was hectic and at the same time lovely and enjoyable. I feel like I'm trudging through molasses these days.

I had some wine tonight and that's relaxed me. It also gave the sniffles... hmmph.

Life isn't fair

Another wonderful life has been snuffed out. A beautiful person who carried with her a piece of my being has left us all. Yet again, the shroud of protection around me from birth is being chipped away and left open to the cold. I'm not replacing people or places or things. I'm clinging to the past, the love, the warmth.

The more people leave and depart, whether voluntary or involuntary, the more inward I turn. Licking my own wounds is easier to do than expecting others to do it. I'm a sad, sad person right now. I mourn her life, as well as everything that she represented: the ones who have gone before. All that could have been, all that was and all that was supposed to be. Plans are cancelled. Dreams stunted. Time stops when someone leaves. It's silent for just a moment and then WHOOSH! the world passes the event by and it's suddenly yesterday's news. I wish it would just slow down and provide me with time to grieve.

Contentment

I am where I am right now due to all of the choices and decisions made in my past and where I will go will for the most part depend on all of the planning I have completed for the future.

While I do not take my current situation for granted, I am not as content as I think I could be. The true definition for me of unhappiness is thinking there is a place better than the one you're in. I never planned to have my life the way it is now and perhaps that's why it is the way it is now.

I work hard. I am a nice person. I don't take huge risks. I have grown to believe in myself. I am independent. I don't know when I will be able to relax and be content with my life. It just is. And I accept it. It's not better than my father's or my grandfather's life. In many ways, it's actually worse. I feel like they worked in vain trying to make my life better, easier, more "whatever". And I have squandered it by not planning and not knowing. In a way, not caring.

I've made poor decisions by not deciding.

Being paralyzed by fear and rejection, embarrassment and ridicule. From people I don't even like or care about.

I thought my life would be so different than it is now. Ask me how and I don't know the details. I just feel like I am spinning my wheels.

A late fee and a revelation

So I have a late fee since I haven't paid my one (count it, people, ONE!!!!) actively used credit card on time. I seriously don't have a clue what happened. You would think with only one card, I would remember to pay on time and in full. Oh well. I will call them tonight and work something out. I checked online and the last time I paid late (and called and got the late charge taken off) was after Christmas 2008. January, to be exact. So at least it's not recent.

In other news, I was looking through some old photos of myself and realized that I don't look the same as before. Before what? Before everything. The layoff, the family issues, the pain, the stress, the sleeping too much replaced by the sleeping too little, the not eating right, the not exercising. My skin doesn't glow anymore, my hair is blah. In a way, everything that has happened to me could not go unnoticed to my appearance. I just didn't realize how much it had.

I used to look at people like me and think "Gosh, what happened?" Life, that's what happens.

I got excited about something so small this weekend: planning it and making choices. It felt so foreign yet so good. I think when my life became dictated by everyone else, I sort of gave up making choices and making myself feel better. I guess that should be my goal for the next month: Make more decisions and feel more in control of my life and thus, happier.

Update on Goal Progress

I feel that I'm seriously slipping. I haven't been true to my spending goals as well as my social goals. I just want to hide away (I prefer "hibernate") and eat lots of take-out. I have freezers full of great food but I am always too tired to cook.

[is that a whine I hear?]

I've made some progress with socializing, but nowhere near where I need to be. I keep trying to put myself out there, but so much has happened in my life that I constantly feel like no one (except bf) really understands me. I feel like I'm receiving acceptance, they just don't understand me.

I don't want to venture out of my cocoon. Is that really so bad?

No winning, but no losing either

Well, I didn't win.

I had to close the FIA card. However, the last customer service rep I spoke with took some pity on me and decided to move over most of the available credit to another card I have that is also linked to their company (oy... so many cards, so few companies). So I will have a closed (albeit by the consumer) card on my record, but still maintain the amount of available credit.

So I guess I haven't lost anything, either.

Card Troubles

Well, it's happened. I was sent a notice late last year and now it's taking effect.

My FIA card is charging an annual fee.

I have not gone down peacefully.

I've been on the phone with six (yes, SIX) different "customer service associates"who claim different stories for why my card was even chosen for an annual fee. Some say it's because I don't have accounts with the bank. Some say "someone else makes that decision" and then when I ask to be forwarded to that person or people, they somehow can't figure out where to send me. Some say they have no clue why my card was chosen and side with me on the reasoning that I don't deserve a fee. Still others claim less than 1% of users were chosen to pass extra charges onto. (Lucky ME! I don't win anything except the very best prizes)

They all tell me I will have to close the account to see the fee disappear. Oy vey.

Let's clear some things up, first of all. (this is similar to my nicely phrased rant to all of these "customer service associates":

- I have great credit (okay, not perfect, but nothing absolutely terrible)

- I use this card (as in, all the time)

- I've paid interest in the low double digits on this card since I've had it

- I've had this card for over 10 years (it was one of my very first)

- This card does not offer any benefits (the whole point of an annual fee)

- I don't usually pay this card off every month

- FIA makes more money on my interest each year than they would with my annual fee

I don't want to close this account, because I have a high available balance and a 10 year track record. Differing reports online tell me it won't ding my credit score that badly or it will take a while for any dinging to seriously affect my score. I just don't want to be forced into closing an account.

One service representative tried to break the annual fee down into months and tell me it "isn't really that much". I nearly died. My response was along the lines of: "Well, hey why don't we break it down into days or minutes or even seconds... it's still the same amount per year!!" Are these people really that dense? It's as though she was trying to make me feel stupid for arguing about "so little an amount". Of course, I had to use her own argument against her and said "Well, if it's such a small amount, why do I have to pay it? Why doesn't FIA pay it for me?" To which she daftly replied: "This is our policy on annual fees". I swear I could hear a breeze blow through her brain. She was just that dumb. Or just that bad at customer service.

I just want to WIN. It's not really even about the annual fee, now. It's about breaking them down.

If I cannot win and I have to close this account. I vow to never EVER use FIA again. I got their card when I was young and impressionable (a market they're losing out on now). They dropped me when they didn't care for me anymore (aka: couldn't make enough money off of me). My only move after 'losing' would be to boycott them. For the rest of my wonderful life.