I'm becoming my parents...

Nothing like saying that phrase to get you all depressed right before the holidays.

I literally have no need for doctors anymore. I used to chide my parents for not getting annual check-ups and making an appointment at the first sign of any malady. Nowadays, it's me who puts off calling the doctor. I have literally had something wrong with me for 3 months (and counting!). If I had insurance, it would have been dealt with. Since I do not, I have procrastinated. Which leads me to believe that my parents had something correct in their assessment of doctors.

In the past year, I have mentioned certain symptoms to my primary care physician who either shrugged them off or told me I was a hypochondriac. And while I will not dispute the latter, I was not acting so much so like a hypochondriac in his presence for him to assume that. A second opinion, you say? Yes, that would have been good. But I didn't. Partly because I was so married to my job at the time, that I couldn't think of taking whole hours away to attend appointments.

I guess only time will tell if I break down and finally go to the doctor. I really don't want to. At least now I finally understand where my parents are coming from with their judgment.

Old Maid

I don't know where I am going. I know where I've been. I've lost focus in my life and feel like I'm just putting in time. I actually feel stranger now with a job than I did when I was unemployed. Other people around me have gotten married and are having babies. Some haven't, and their lives break my heart. Mainly because I feel they are spinning, just like me.

We're all spinning in some no-man's-land without anything holding us down and still nothing really happening for us.

I passed on a lot of typical personal milestones... serious relationships, lots of friends, marriage, babies, etc. since I've been so focused on getting things done (education, job, etc.). I've had friends but have kept them at a distance. I've had boyfriends and have squeezed them so tightly with my emotional needs (since I don't rely on lots of friends) that their heads have popped off and they left, headless down an alley. Or acted like jerks and then left.

I've seen friends get married and have babies and then have the world. Or at least act like it. I'm not sure I want that. I haven't so far. I've had boyfriends talk of marriage, break up with me and then marry the next one to come along. I say I dodged a bullet. And crafted a perfectly good candidate for marriage for a total stranger. But then why am I so envious of their lives?

I've had boyfriends waste my time. Lie to me. Keep secrets that I found out anyways (and once didn't let on for years). Only to have it come back and bite me when our relationship was so far gone that I realize I should have let him go when I found out.

People say you'll meet the man you'll marry and just know it. I guess I haven't. And I'm not getting any younger. I was always so focused on school and then later a career to worry about settling down or timing my decisions to find and marry a man. I fear that my time put into myself hasn't really amounted to much. Sound harsh? Perhaps that's why I have no friends.

A lot of work

So this new position has me more busy than my last. I'm not complaining - I am happy I have a job. I'm just not used to the intense amount of work. The long hours I used to have were rewarded in some ways. This company does not offer as many perks. But it does pay. And it is rewarding in other ways, besides a paycheck.

You'd think after months of having nothing to do, I'd be happy to have things to get done. And I am. However, I feel like I'm neglecting me a bit. I don't have time to work out, hang out or sometimes just relax. My bank account is whole now, next it's time for my personal life to be whole.

Happily Employed

For anyone out there (Bueller? Bueller?) I have not died or dropped off the face of the earth.

I got a job!

And it's been great and wonderful and busy and invigorating. I have responsibilities and deadlines and tasks and co-workers. Wonderful co-workers. Not perfect, but much much better than the last.

I have an income now, but I am wary of spending any pennies. I've read that our generation will more than likely keep its frugal spending habits, even after this economic situation rebalances. That may make someone sad or upset, but it makes me happy. I feel that's what I'm doing now: not overdoing it. In a good way.

However, there are days and nights when I harken back to those endless days of unemployment. Sort of how kids dream about the summer that flew by too fast when they're back to the grind of school. I knew I would miss it, but I did enjoy it while it lasted.

Doubly Bad News

Bad News #1: I didn't get an offer from my last round of interviews. It was slightly confusing, since [I feel] I fit the job description to a tee. Guess not. Perhaps it was an inside deal where someone was already favored. Regardless, the interviews went extremely well and I'm more prepared for the next ones. [crossing fingers that there will be next ones]

Bad News #2: Mint.com is being bought out by Intuit. Story here. The consensus is that they will start charging for the services since Intuit only went gratis since Mint came on the scene. Not good for my pocketbook and not good for my financial planning. I LOVE Mint. It works well with planning financial goals, seeing them achieved, as well as tracking down specific amounts and dates for purchases when I can't find receipts. Really bumming me out right now, Intuit. [adding them to my "list"]

Here's some good news to counter the bad: I was under the impression that I had missed deadlines [for everything] including Cobra, 401(k) disbursement, etc. Not so. The worrying ended today when I finally got through to said people via phone. Also good news to know for the future: I need to file my mail once it comes in, since my ill-knowledge of deadlines and due dates is directly related to that.

Debt Update (or not)

I currently have enough cash to pay off my credit cards, however I still haven't found a job. Part of me really wishes I would have paid them off like ripping off a band-aid back when I was still employed. I haven't been charging much of anything. It's just really hard to let go of all that cash in the bank without even a slight promise of having anywhere near what I was making at my last position.

I've thought about stair-stepping them and paying one off each month/2-weeks. Same thing, just drawn out. Or maybe that would be torture.

Meanwhile, all the credit card companies are enjoying my interest payments. I need to just make the decision and go with it.

Can I just work?

I had another interview today. It was in my industry and I was a perfect fit for both the job and the company. I didn't get as nervous about this one and I feel it could not have gone better. I'm glad I'm getting used to these silly charades we have to endure in order to be hired. I just want a job. I literally felt like telling my interviewer that. "Can I just work? I need to work again." Really not into giving employers the desperate plea just yet. Maybe next week.

Unfortunately all the stress of my morning has led to a headache-ridden afternoon. Yum.