Straight, No Chase-r

In recent news, I've closed an account (old WaMu turned Chase-Bankenstein - read: "Frankenstein") since they were set on charging me if I didn't direct deposit a certain amount or keep a large balance.

Hilarity ensued at the realization of the personal banker that I am not such a high roller on paper as I believe I am in my head.

I walk into the bank during low volume hours. I was going to take all of my two-digit-and-change dollars out and before I could reveal my name, bank account number or balance, the personal banker took great pains to inquire as to why and how come and how could I possibly operate without a bank. I was not in the mood to discuss my personal banking and even got mildly annoyed when he inquired as to which other bank(s) I am using. I guess I look young or inexperienced since he didn't think I had heard of, let alone bank at, other banks.

I bristled at his question and told him I'd really rather not say. Thinking all the while, "Pshaw, I'm leaving your bank, dude. No exit interview needed for this chick." He responded to my secretive nature by stating that "the entire banking industry is changing and due to laws enacted last year, no banks will have free checking." Um, WHAT?!? It was difficult to keep my tongue from giving him a swift lashing.

Here's my issue with his statement: the entire industry of banks wrote mortgages they knew were risky, then when these high risk loans came back to bite them, they (and their exec boards) were BAILED OUT by the government (read = taxpayers). Now this clown wants to blame the laws that the government imposed to keep banks on the up-and-up on the fact that they're charging account-holders fees. Excuse me, Mr. Banker - your firm lost money due to irresponsible lending practices and your balance sheet hasn't added up over the last couple years. You're trying to up your revenue and decide to charge the people who give you their money. That's not the law's fault. That's your fault.

Upon holding my tongue and keeping my attitude in check, I also thought about the fact that taking over WaMu with all of its freeloading (or non-fee-loading) customers with inactive or low-balance accounts was no feather in Chase's cap. Cutting us all free, much like credit card companies did a few years back, is the logical choice when a sinking ship needs to throw something overboard. Just like then, I am an unattractive customer.

Back to the action-packed visit: After looking up my meager account, things became routine and he proceeded to cash me out and even handed over his business card "in case he could ever help with anything." Nice gesture, but as he reached over, I caught his name tag on his lapel which happened to be the same as a regular Joe recently found to be a killer. "Um, no thanks, man," I thought but saved both of us the embarrassment of recounting how people may react at his poor name.

"There *was* nothing wrong with it... until I was about twelve years old and that no-talent ass clown became famous and started winning Grammys." - Office Space

Walking out, I thought about how proud my Grandpa would be. I once accompanied him into a bank that was trying to set balance limits on his accounts. Of course, he had much more dough that I was extracting from Chase-enstein, but I am sure he was proud of me nonetheless. Professionally and diplomatically, his exact words to the teller that day were, "You're not going to tell me what to do with my money." Walking out with the cash that day, he told my little middle-school brain that cash is king and what you've earned and saved will always be yours.

I only wish now that I had him write that down and laminate it for times in the future when I would need it.

Named-after-a-killer-man did not know how to handle my attitude. I can only assume he'd know how to handle a note from Grandpa.

Ketchup

I am behind on my blog responsibilities. For some, that would mean things are going swimmingly or at least efficient in my "real" life. Not so much. Things are just going. I am trying to catch up on a lot and keep my head above water (productively, thankfully not financially).

Things I need to do for the blog:

• update my net worth (see chart to right)
• recap on my progress or achievement of 2010 goals
• set 2011 goals (I was so excited to do this for 2010. Where's that fire in my belly??)
• set goals for posting since I've seen a lot of other PF bloggers wean off or completely stop (could write an entire post about this and how it has affected me)

Onward and upward!

Stalk, much?

I have to admit. I'm a bit of a stalker. (please don't judge)

I haphazardly happened upon a person's identity who may (or may not) have taken a position I interviewed for last year. Once I stumbled upon that person, it was not even a question of whether or not I should... I just did look up another position for a completely different company I interviewed for. It felt weird trying to figure out and look up these random people. Finding out things about them and seeing photos of them. But I felt justified in knowing that they were in some way "better" to these companies, these hiring managers, than I was (at the time... *smirk*).

Google yielded me the regular social media and networking sites. I weighed their qualifications and could see how they may have appeared to be better than me. Of course who knows how they interviewed. I didn't necessarily wow the socks off of anyone.

I have to admit, it was a little like finding past boyfriends and comparing yourself to the women they married. You have a critical eye and believe you're getting somewhere with your actions. But once the evaluation is done, you don't feel any better about yourself.

Perhaps I should start my New Year's Resolutions early and vow to never look back. Do people really accomplish that feat?

Onward and Upward

Despite our recession, marriage is still in full force. And I believe it.

How do people get married? Just up and one day decide to join everything that's hanging out and wrap it with a great big bow? During my past relationships, I have had so many friends meet, date, plan and then follow through with a wedding... in the time my relationships have just stalled into neutral and coasted into a ditch. Now I am beginning to wonder if there's something wrong with me. Or the people I choose. Or perhaps I'm too lenient with their way fare ways. (Or perhaps I over-think these things...)

When I was little, I thought I was unlovable. Literally. Those words are written somewhere in an old middle school diary. I remember writing about how I feared that no one would ever be able to love me, all of me. I'm not sure where that came from. I wasn't the most popular kid in school and was very self-critical. Could this be self-inflicting? I remember a pattern of sabotaging relationships early in college (now that was mature, wasn't it?). Haven't seen that rear its ugly head recently. Perhaps now I'm just choosing the wrong people. But isn't that answer a little too easy?

And it's not like I have to get married to move on with my life. Or technically to become an adult. Though it would just be nice to know that someone thought I was lovable. All of me.

The end/beginning

I've ended it with the person I was seeing. Reflecting back, I see myself as a better person before I met him. True, there were some serious upheavals in my life during our time together. And I may have been the person I am regardless of our involvement, but I feel better without him. A little worn for the wear, but better. Freer. More me.

I don't want to vent or digress, but he wasn't getting me to where I need to be. He was distracting me (and himself) instead of moving forward. It just took me a little time to figure that out. I feel like I give everyone time and none extra is given to me. Time runs out.

I made a list of goals yesterday and ways to achieve them were defined. I want to go in the right direction and speed my life up. There was a time when everything was hectic and at the same time lovely and enjoyable. I feel like I'm trudging through molasses these days.

I had some wine tonight and that's relaxed me. It also gave the sniffles... hmmph.

Life isn't fair

Another wonderful life has been snuffed out. A beautiful person who carried with her a piece of my being has left us all. Yet again, the shroud of protection around me from birth is being chipped away and left open to the cold. I'm not replacing people or places or things. I'm clinging to the past, the love, the warmth.

The more people leave and depart, whether voluntary or involuntary, the more inward I turn. Licking my own wounds is easier to do than expecting others to do it. I'm a sad, sad person right now. I mourn her life, as well as everything that she represented: the ones who have gone before. All that could have been, all that was and all that was supposed to be. Plans are cancelled. Dreams stunted. Time stops when someone leaves. It's silent for just a moment and then WHOOSH! the world passes the event by and it's suddenly yesterday's news. I wish it would just slow down and provide me with time to grieve.

Contentment

I am where I am right now due to all of the choices and decisions made in my past and where I will go will for the most part depend on all of the planning I have completed for the future.

While I do not take my current situation for granted, I am not as content as I think I could be. The true definition for me of unhappiness is thinking there is a place better than the one you're in. I never planned to have my life the way it is now and perhaps that's why it is the way it is now.

I work hard. I am a nice person. I don't take huge risks. I have grown to believe in myself. I am independent. I don't know when I will be able to relax and be content with my life. It just is. And I accept it. It's not better than my father's or my grandfather's life. In many ways, it's actually worse. I feel like they worked in vain trying to make my life better, easier, more "whatever". And I have squandered it by not planning and not knowing. In a way, not caring.

I've made poor decisions by not deciding.

Being paralyzed by fear and rejection, embarrassment and ridicule. From people I don't even like or care about.

I thought my life would be so different than it is now. Ask me how and I don't know the details. I just feel like I am spinning my wheels.