Onward and Upward

Despite our recession, marriage is still in full force. And I believe it.

How do people get married? Just up and one day decide to join everything that's hanging out and wrap it with a great big bow? During my past relationships, I have had so many friends meet, date, plan and then follow through with a wedding... in the time my relationships have just stalled into neutral and coasted into a ditch. Now I am beginning to wonder if there's something wrong with me. Or the people I choose. Or perhaps I'm too lenient with their way fare ways. (Or perhaps I over-think these things...)

When I was little, I thought I was unlovable. Literally. Those words are written somewhere in an old middle school diary. I remember writing about how I feared that no one would ever be able to love me, all of me. I'm not sure where that came from. I wasn't the most popular kid in school and was very self-critical. Could this be self-inflicting? I remember a pattern of sabotaging relationships early in college (now that was mature, wasn't it?). Haven't seen that rear its ugly head recently. Perhaps now I'm just choosing the wrong people. But isn't that answer a little too easy?

And it's not like I have to get married to move on with my life. Or technically to become an adult. Though it would just be nice to know that someone thought I was lovable. All of me.

The end/beginning

I've ended it with the person I was seeing. Reflecting back, I see myself as a better person before I met him. True, there were some serious upheavals in my life during our time together. And I may have been the person I am regardless of our involvement, but I feel better without him. A little worn for the wear, but better. Freer. More me.

I don't want to vent or digress, but he wasn't getting me to where I need to be. He was distracting me (and himself) instead of moving forward. It just took me a little time to figure that out. I feel like I give everyone time and none extra is given to me. Time runs out.

I made a list of goals yesterday and ways to achieve them were defined. I want to go in the right direction and speed my life up. There was a time when everything was hectic and at the same time lovely and enjoyable. I feel like I'm trudging through molasses these days.

I had some wine tonight and that's relaxed me. It also gave the sniffles... hmmph.

Life isn't fair

Another wonderful life has been snuffed out. A beautiful person who carried with her a piece of my being has left us all. Yet again, the shroud of protection around me from birth is being chipped away and left open to the cold. I'm not replacing people or places or things. I'm clinging to the past, the love, the warmth.

The more people leave and depart, whether voluntary or involuntary, the more inward I turn. Licking my own wounds is easier to do than expecting others to do it. I'm a sad, sad person right now. I mourn her life, as well as everything that she represented: the ones who have gone before. All that could have been, all that was and all that was supposed to be. Plans are cancelled. Dreams stunted. Time stops when someone leaves. It's silent for just a moment and then WHOOSH! the world passes the event by and it's suddenly yesterday's news. I wish it would just slow down and provide me with time to grieve.

Contentment

I am where I am right now due to all of the choices and decisions made in my past and where I will go will for the most part depend on all of the planning I have completed for the future.

While I do not take my current situation for granted, I am not as content as I think I could be. The true definition for me of unhappiness is thinking there is a place better than the one you're in. I never planned to have my life the way it is now and perhaps that's why it is the way it is now.

I work hard. I am a nice person. I don't take huge risks. I have grown to believe in myself. I am independent. I don't know when I will be able to relax and be content with my life. It just is. And I accept it. It's not better than my father's or my grandfather's life. In many ways, it's actually worse. I feel like they worked in vain trying to make my life better, easier, more "whatever". And I have squandered it by not planning and not knowing. In a way, not caring.

I've made poor decisions by not deciding.

Being paralyzed by fear and rejection, embarrassment and ridicule. From people I don't even like or care about.

I thought my life would be so different than it is now. Ask me how and I don't know the details. I just feel like I am spinning my wheels.

A late fee and a revelation

So I have a late fee since I haven't paid my one (count it, people, ONE!!!!) actively used credit card on time. I seriously don't have a clue what happened. You would think with only one card, I would remember to pay on time and in full. Oh well. I will call them tonight and work something out. I checked online and the last time I paid late (and called and got the late charge taken off) was after Christmas 2008. January, to be exact. So at least it's not recent.

In other news, I was looking through some old photos of myself and realized that I don't look the same as before. Before what? Before everything. The layoff, the family issues, the pain, the stress, the sleeping too much replaced by the sleeping too little, the not eating right, the not exercising. My skin doesn't glow anymore, my hair is blah. In a way, everything that has happened to me could not go unnoticed to my appearance. I just didn't realize how much it had.

I used to look at people like me and think "Gosh, what happened?" Life, that's what happens.

I got excited about something so small this weekend: planning it and making choices. It felt so foreign yet so good. I think when my life became dictated by everyone else, I sort of gave up making choices and making myself feel better. I guess that should be my goal for the next month: Make more decisions and feel more in control of my life and thus, happier.

Update on Goal Progress

I feel that I'm seriously slipping. I haven't been true to my spending goals as well as my social goals. I just want to hide away (I prefer "hibernate") and eat lots of take-out. I have freezers full of great food but I am always too tired to cook.

[is that a whine I hear?]

I've made some progress with socializing, but nowhere near where I need to be. I keep trying to put myself out there, but so much has happened in my life that I constantly feel like no one (except bf) really understands me. I feel like I'm receiving acceptance, they just don't understand me.

I don't want to venture out of my cocoon. Is that really so bad?

The Big Level Off (or Current Net Worth Approximation)

After updating this month's net worth, my graph is beginning to level off. Up 0.59% from last month. Paying off (mostly all of) my credit cards has certainly decreased my liabilities (yay!). My retirement account depreciated a bit. Hmm... It's currently at a previous employer and I'm not sure what I want to do with it.

I remember calling the retirement company and asking if I had to make a decision by a certain date or forfeit my funds. Upon hearing that I didn't have to make a decision, I literally squealed. No joke. The woman on the other end must have thought I was crazy. I guess I like not having to make serious decisions on someone else's timeline. I like to make decisions when I want to. Deciding when to make this is all the fun!

Soon, there will be a new feature to my blog. It will stay a secret for now (it's still in the works). But it will provide more of a peek into my personal life and my goals and dreams. I can't wait to surprise you!

Goals for 2010

I'm jumping on the bandwagon and creating goals.

[I guess if all the other bloggers were jumping off their proverbial bridges, so then would I]

I don't usually do this sort of thing, especially in the financial realm. Well, I have more short-term goals. Such as, get a paycheck, pay my bills, get a paycheck, pay my bills. I do believe goals would help me reach my full (financial) potential, though.

Backstory: Before attending a recent wedding, I read up on some blogs about the exorbitant costs involved in destination weddings. So I decided to budget and save the amount I needed in cash before charging up a card. It was fun to put together the spreadsheet, figure out the amounts for the different travel options and have an exact number to aim at saving. While I didn't reach my goal of saving the entire amount (bummer! but I got very close), it was actually a fun challenge to see how much I frugalize to make my budgeted goal.

Side note: friend and I are not that close anymore and it's really fun to vent (quietly to myself) the exact amount I spent being there for her on her special day while she's not really here for me now. Just a tip for the future, ladies (and gents!).

So here goes my fun goals!

Personal Savings
I would like to have at least $15,000 in personal savings at the end of the year. This would be roughly an 8-12 month emergency fund.

Credit Card Debt
I will not accrue any credit card debt for this calendar year. (barring any emergencies!)
I will use cash as much as humanly possible.

Student Loans
I will pay off at least half of my student loans ($9k) by the end of this year.

There. That should give me something to measure in 12 months.

As for personal goals, here are what I am aiming for:

Lose Weight
Who isn't listing this one? okay, you with your hand up, I officially hate you!

Make New Friends
This may be hard to balance with my financial goals since friendships do seem to leak my funds. (gifts, lunches, dinners, etc.)

Be a Better Friend to Those Who Are Already My Friend
As easy as a phone call, as hard as just being there. I need to reward those who already love me.

Simplify Life
I sometimes make it a habit to make things harder for myself, instead of easier. Here's a reminder to not torture myself this year.

Organize my Surroundings
This is the work that will lead to simplifying my life. I am always losing things and waste valuable time searching for the most inane things. Why not just organize ahead of time to avoid this wasted time and energy? Methinks others do this already. I was just born and bred to be messy and somewhat enjoy the challenge (but certainly not the stress) of having to find things in a pressured situation.

Okay, so wow. Those personal ones are not very measurable. Perhaps I should set up monthly milestones to achieve for those.

So close I can taste it...

This past year has changed me. I can honestly say I've gotten tougher, though it's not like a was a light-weight to begin with. I feel like a rock that's been made into granite.

Last year this time, I had no idea what was in store for me in 2009. I thought I would get closer to my goals and closer to who I thought I wanted to be. It could not have taken me further away from where I thought I was going. In a way, it provided me with new goals and shook me to my core. 2009 told me I wasn't as strong as I thought I was. It told me not to believe everything I see and all that people tell me. It took away another innocence veil and fed my inner skeptic even more.

Family issues coupled with the loss of my job flung me out into the outer reaches of space. I wasn't who I thought I was, since the two main dictators of identity were throwing me up after a night of hard drinking. I'm not one to dwell or live in the past, but I definitely had to make it through both of those before I could move on. I'm still not past the family issue, but I am working on it.

Friends I thought would be there for me tossed me out as well. Roads they were forced to take became the "best routes" and the "way to go". My path became overgrown and inconsequential.

For stretches of time, there was no one to depend on. No office mates to lunch with, no family to rely on, no friends to download to. All I had was myself.

I remember quite vividly the exact moment in my pre-teen life that I realized that we all die alone. No matter when or where or with whom, we must all go on to where ever it is alone. That first panic attack was a doozy. I had always been surrounded by family, friends, people, animals. To envision walking the lonely path to the other side was unbearable. I was young and naive. Now I feel old and jaded. But resilient. No one would walk through life with me - why would they want to walk to my death with me?

So tonight when the clock hits midnight, instead of reveling in the memories and planning future goals, I won't be expecting anything of 2010. I have a feeling I won't be alone.

I'm becoming my parents...

Nothing like saying that phrase to get you all depressed right before the holidays.

I literally have no need for doctors anymore. I used to chide my parents for not getting annual check-ups and making an appointment at the first sign of any malady. Nowadays, it's me who puts off calling the doctor. I have literally had something wrong with me for 3 months (and counting!). If I had insurance, it would have been dealt with. Since I do not, I have procrastinated. Which leads me to believe that my parents had something correct in their assessment of doctors.

In the past year, I have mentioned certain symptoms to my primary care physician who either shrugged them off or told me I was a hypochondriac. And while I will not dispute the latter, I was not acting so much so like a hypochondriac in his presence for him to assume that. A second opinion, you say? Yes, that would have been good. But I didn't. Partly because I was so married to my job at the time, that I couldn't think of taking whole hours away to attend appointments.

I guess only time will tell if I break down and finally go to the doctor. I really don't want to. At least now I finally understand where my parents are coming from with their judgment.

Old Maid

I don't know where I am going. I know where I've been. I've lost focus in my life and feel like I'm just putting in time. I actually feel stranger now with a job than I did when I was unemployed. Other people around me have gotten married and are having babies. Some haven't, and their lives break my heart. Mainly because I feel they are spinning, just like me.

We're all spinning in some no-man's-land without anything holding us down and still nothing really happening for us.

I passed on a lot of typical personal milestones... serious relationships, lots of friends, marriage, babies, etc. since I've been so focused on getting things done (education, job, etc.). I've had friends but have kept them at a distance. I've had boyfriends and have squeezed them so tightly with my emotional needs (since I don't rely on lots of friends) that their heads have popped off and they left, headless down an alley. Or acted like jerks and then left.

I've seen friends get married and have babies and then have the world. Or at least act like it. I'm not sure I want that. I haven't so far. I've had boyfriends talk of marriage, break up with me and then marry the next one to come along. I say I dodged a bullet. And crafted a perfectly good candidate for marriage for a total stranger. But then why am I so envious of their lives?

I've had boyfriends waste my time. Lie to me. Keep secrets that I found out anyways (and once didn't let on for years). Only to have it come back and bite me when our relationship was so far gone that I realize I should have let him go when I found out.

People say you'll meet the man you'll marry and just know it. I guess I haven't. And I'm not getting any younger. I was always so focused on school and then later a career to worry about settling down or timing my decisions to find and marry a man. I fear that my time put into myself hasn't really amounted to much. Sound harsh? Perhaps that's why I have no friends.

A lot of work

So this new position has me more busy than my last. I'm not complaining - I am happy I have a job. I'm just not used to the intense amount of work. The long hours I used to have were rewarded in some ways. This company does not offer as many perks. But it does pay. And it is rewarding in other ways, besides a paycheck.

You'd think after months of having nothing to do, I'd be happy to have things to get done. And I am. However, I feel like I'm neglecting me a bit. I don't have time to work out, hang out or sometimes just relax. My bank account is whole now, next it's time for my personal life to be whole.

Mental Blocks

I've been working on mental blocks, recently. Those pesky annoyances that I only have with myself. Invisible to others, they keep me from completing a task or taking a risk. No one can see them - why should I care?

How I look, how I act; everything I can nitpick, I do. My never-ending dialogue tells me I can't do something before anyone else informs me. Tells me I'm not good enough before I can even try anything. I have learned to turn down the voice inside of me and will work on completely quieting it in the future.

I've been reading See Jane Lead and ran into this gem of a story. I've given up on being judged by pigs.

No one can tell me who I am. Only I know what I have been and what I would like to become.
Only the future holds the truth about what I can achieve.

Putting my mind, heart and soul into anything will make it happen. I must believe to achieve. Failure is not an option.

Not having to answer to anyone is freeing. Liberating. Empowering.

I feel like I've just broken a mold I've been trapped in for too long.

A New Kind of Loneliness

I'm at that point... every week starts out well. Then at some point, I start talking to the walls. I watch TV and laugh, turning to the side and no one is there. I call my BF way too much.

I fear I need a pet so I don't turn into a crazy lady. But one would give way to two and so forth. And I would become the crazy cat lady (even though dogs are more my style). The truth is I've had pets before and pets are expensive. Like cars, they need servicing or repair at inopportune times. They're also hard to get off your hands, even at free-to-a-good-home prices.

I feel isolated. I feel alone. I feel like a tree that just fell down in a forest. No one's even telling me to get back up.

My friends are all at great points in their lives and I've grown apart from them. Okay, not totally their fault. I guess I have been busy with work so much that I've put my social life on the back burner. Now work has chewed me up and spit me out. And it's awfully hard to go with your tail between your legs back to your friends.

My family is too busy with their own drama to even pay attention to my needs. My mother hands the phone over to whoever else is present when I ask her questions about my career or claims to just not know what to do and sighs a lot. 'Cause that's helpful...

My BF is my saving grace. He's always there, always has been there. Always (I hope) will be there. He's unconditional at a time when my family's love has become conditional for strange and unexplainable reasons. I rely on him far too much and much too often. You could say he's my Romeo.

I need to strike out and create friendships. At a time when I'm feeling my most vulnerable, I must break out and become fearless. When the only thing pumping through my veins is fear.

Take your passion and make it happen

Another Monday morning. Everyone off and running at their jobs and me here at home.

I woke up early this morning, made coffee and savored it. I ran out of sugar this weekend so I used Hershey Kisses to sweeten my home brew. They're not sugar, but they'll do.

When I woke up at 6 am, I started watching TV. Flashdance was on. I had never seen this movie before, but as a child of the '80s I've always enjoyed the soundtrack, especially "What a Feeling" ... and now that I've seen the movie, I love the song even more.

So while everyone else is working, I'll be dancing around, imagining myself at 18 again, with my whole life ahead of me and my unemployment far, far away.

Cinematic Adventure

My title is with apologies to Dane Cook - I think that's where I've heard it.

Catching some tv today, I saw the end of The Devil Wears Prada. I've never seen this movie and heard mixed reviews when it first came out. I've attempted a read of the book, but I never got around to it with work and all [imagine that? I've been employed since grad school]. In any event, I've decided that once I am officially unemployed [starting Friday at 5 pm... ack!] and once I finally shut off my cable that I will reward myself with watching movies through free or inexpensive means.

I've never been a big movie person - I get bored and listless during especially long movies, since I always have so much to do. But I want to see all these movies people quote from and reference. So I am planning my future cinematic adventures. I want them to be awe-inspiring and career- or work-related.

In no particular order:

- The Devil Wears Prada watched 6/27/09

- Rent

- Working Girl

- 9 to 5

- Confessions of a Shopaholic (okay, not a really serious movie, but I read the book and have a true neeeed to compare!)

- Reality Bites

- Big Lebowski

- Falling Down (If I'm in the mood for drama)

- Office Space (have seen - always a classic to remind me of what I'm not missing)

- His Girl Friday (have seen - even more classic than Office Space)

- Julie & Julia (Can not WAIT to see this! I hope it's as good as all the trailers purport)

Any other suggestions?

Life Gets In The Way

I have been laying low recently, hence the no blogging. I actually forgot I had a blog. Strange, I know.

I've been dealing with family issues and a family friend's death. I have experience with much family death, but each loved one's death I experience takes me back to the previous ones. And then I am mourning for them all. All over again. It's an exhausting process and grief is just something you have to go through to get through. This is the time that I yearn for my childhood - the time before any of my relatives passed away.

Death is so definite. One day you're talking and planning and yearning and the next you're not. I'm not goth or obsessed with death. It's been a part of my life for a while now and I am still searching for its meaning. I have listened to "On Death and Dying" twice in my car a few years ago. I'm thinking about putting it back on in heavy rotation.

Losing my job has been a grieving process. Now with these situations lumped on top, it's difficult to take on both every single day. Meetings at work where people gently tiptoe around the fact that I won't be there in a month's time make me feel more dead each day.

In Elisabeth Kubler-Ross' five stages of grieving, I believe I'm at depression when it comes to my job. I'm hoping acceptance will come in the next five weeks, but we shall see. I've been here for a while and now I'm depressed on a personal level.