Onward and Upward

Despite our recession, marriage is still in full force. And I believe it.

How do people get married? Just up and one day decide to join everything that's hanging out and wrap it with a great big bow? During my past relationships, I have had so many friends meet, date, plan and then follow through with a wedding... in the time my relationships have just stalled into neutral and coasted into a ditch. Now I am beginning to wonder if there's something wrong with me. Or the people I choose. Or perhaps I'm too lenient with their way fare ways. (Or perhaps I over-think these things...)

When I was little, I thought I was unlovable. Literally. Those words are written somewhere in an old middle school diary. I remember writing about how I feared that no one would ever be able to love me, all of me. I'm not sure where that came from. I wasn't the most popular kid in school and was very self-critical. Could this be self-inflicting? I remember a pattern of sabotaging relationships early in college (now that was mature, wasn't it?). Haven't seen that rear its ugly head recently. Perhaps now I'm just choosing the wrong people. But isn't that answer a little too easy?

And it's not like I have to get married to move on with my life. Or technically to become an adult. Though it would just be nice to know that someone thought I was lovable. All of me.