Thursday, December 31, 2009

So close I can taste it...

This past year has changed me. I can honestly say I've gotten tougher, though it's not like a was a light-weight to begin with. I feel like a rock that's been made into granite.

Last year this time, I had no idea what was in store for me in 2009. I thought I would get closer to my goals and closer to who I thought I wanted to be. It could not have taken me further away from where I thought I was going. In a way, it provided me with new goals and shook me to my core. 2009 told me I wasn't as strong as I thought I was. It told me not to believe everything I see and all that people tell me. It took away another innocence veil and fed my inner skeptic even more.

Family issues coupled with the loss of my job flung me out into the outer reaches of space. I wasn't who I thought I was, since the two main dictators of identity were throwing me up after a night of hard drinking. I'm not one to dwell or live in the past, but I definitely had to make it through both of those before I could move on. I'm still not past the family issue, but I am working on it.

Friends I thought would be there for me tossed me out as well. Roads they were forced to take became the "best routes" and the "way to go". My path became overgrown and inconsequential.

For stretches of time, there was no one to depend on. No office mates to lunch with, no family to rely on, no friends to download to. All I had was myself.

I remember quite vividly the exact moment in my pre-teen life that I realized that we all die alone. No matter when or where or with whom, we must all go on to where ever it is alone. That first panic attack was a doozy. I had always been surrounded by family, friends, people, animals. To envision walking the lonely path to the other side was unbearable. I was young and naive. Now I feel old and jaded. But resilient. No one would walk through life with me - why would they want to walk to my death with me?

So tonight when the clock hits midnight, instead of reveling in the memories and planning future goals, I won't be expecting anything of 2010. I have a feeling I won't be alone.

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