Stalk, much?

I have to admit. I'm a bit of a stalker. (please don't judge)

I haphazardly happened upon a person's identity who may (or may not) have taken a position I interviewed for last year. Once I stumbled upon that person, it was not even a question of whether or not I should... I just did look up another position for a completely different company I interviewed for. It felt weird trying to figure out and look up these random people. Finding out things about them and seeing photos of them. But I felt justified in knowing that they were in some way "better" to these companies, these hiring managers, than I was (at the time... *smirk*).

Google yielded me the regular social media and networking sites. I weighed their qualifications and could see how they may have appeared to be better than me. Of course who knows how they interviewed. I didn't necessarily wow the socks off of anyone.

I have to admit, it was a little like finding past boyfriends and comparing yourself to the women they married. You have a critical eye and believe you're getting somewhere with your actions. But once the evaluation is done, you don't feel any better about yourself.

Perhaps I should start my New Year's Resolutions early and vow to never look back. Do people really accomplish that feat?

Onward and Upward

Despite our recession, marriage is still in full force. And I believe it.

How do people get married? Just up and one day decide to join everything that's hanging out and wrap it with a great big bow? During my past relationships, I have had so many friends meet, date, plan and then follow through with a wedding... in the time my relationships have just stalled into neutral and coasted into a ditch. Now I am beginning to wonder if there's something wrong with me. Or the people I choose. Or perhaps I'm too lenient with their way fare ways. (Or perhaps I over-think these things...)

When I was little, I thought I was unlovable. Literally. Those words are written somewhere in an old middle school diary. I remember writing about how I feared that no one would ever be able to love me, all of me. I'm not sure where that came from. I wasn't the most popular kid in school and was very self-critical. Could this be self-inflicting? I remember a pattern of sabotaging relationships early in college (now that was mature, wasn't it?). Haven't seen that rear its ugly head recently. Perhaps now I'm just choosing the wrong people. But isn't that answer a little too easy?

And it's not like I have to get married to move on with my life. Or technically to become an adult. Though it would just be nice to know that someone thought I was lovable. All of me.

The end/beginning

I've ended it with the person I was seeing. Reflecting back, I see myself as a better person before I met him. True, there were some serious upheavals in my life during our time together. And I may have been the person I am regardless of our involvement, but I feel better without him. A little worn for the wear, but better. Freer. More me.

I don't want to vent or digress, but he wasn't getting me to where I need to be. He was distracting me (and himself) instead of moving forward. It just took me a little time to figure that out. I feel like I give everyone time and none extra is given to me. Time runs out.

I made a list of goals yesterday and ways to achieve them were defined. I want to go in the right direction and speed my life up. There was a time when everything was hectic and at the same time lovely and enjoyable. I feel like I'm trudging through molasses these days.

I had some wine tonight and that's relaxed me. It also gave the sniffles... hmmph.