Ketchup

I am behind on my blog responsibilities. For some, that would mean things are going swimmingly or at least efficient in my "real" life. Not so much. Things are just going. I am trying to catch up on a lot and keep my head above water (productively, thankfully not financially).

Things I need to do for the blog:

• update my net worth (see chart to right)
• recap on my progress or achievement of 2010 goals
• set 2011 goals (I was so excited to do this for 2010. Where's that fire in my belly??)
• set goals for posting since I've seen a lot of other PF bloggers wean off or completely stop (could write an entire post about this and how it has affected me)

Onward and upward!

Stalk, much?

I have to admit. I'm a bit of a stalker. (please don't judge)

I haphazardly happened upon a person's identity who may (or may not) have taken a position I interviewed for last year. Once I stumbled upon that person, it was not even a question of whether or not I should... I just did look up another position for a completely different company I interviewed for. It felt weird trying to figure out and look up these random people. Finding out things about them and seeing photos of them. But I felt justified in knowing that they were in some way "better" to these companies, these hiring managers, than I was (at the time... *smirk*).

Google yielded me the regular social media and networking sites. I weighed their qualifications and could see how they may have appeared to be better than me. Of course who knows how they interviewed. I didn't necessarily wow the socks off of anyone.

I have to admit, it was a little like finding past boyfriends and comparing yourself to the women they married. You have a critical eye and believe you're getting somewhere with your actions. But once the evaluation is done, you don't feel any better about yourself.

Perhaps I should start my New Year's Resolutions early and vow to never look back. Do people really accomplish that feat?

Onward and Upward

Despite our recession, marriage is still in full force. And I believe it.

How do people get married? Just up and one day decide to join everything that's hanging out and wrap it with a great big bow? During my past relationships, I have had so many friends meet, date, plan and then follow through with a wedding... in the time my relationships have just stalled into neutral and coasted into a ditch. Now I am beginning to wonder if there's something wrong with me. Or the people I choose. Or perhaps I'm too lenient with their way fare ways. (Or perhaps I over-think these things...)

When I was little, I thought I was unlovable. Literally. Those words are written somewhere in an old middle school diary. I remember writing about how I feared that no one would ever be able to love me, all of me. I'm not sure where that came from. I wasn't the most popular kid in school and was very self-critical. Could this be self-inflicting? I remember a pattern of sabotaging relationships early in college (now that was mature, wasn't it?). Haven't seen that rear its ugly head recently. Perhaps now I'm just choosing the wrong people. But isn't that answer a little too easy?

And it's not like I have to get married to move on with my life. Or technically to become an adult. Though it would just be nice to know that someone thought I was lovable. All of me.

The end/beginning

I've ended it with the person I was seeing. Reflecting back, I see myself as a better person before I met him. True, there were some serious upheavals in my life during our time together. And I may have been the person I am regardless of our involvement, but I feel better without him. A little worn for the wear, but better. Freer. More me.

I don't want to vent or digress, but he wasn't getting me to where I need to be. He was distracting me (and himself) instead of moving forward. It just took me a little time to figure that out. I feel like I give everyone time and none extra is given to me. Time runs out.

I made a list of goals yesterday and ways to achieve them were defined. I want to go in the right direction and speed my life up. There was a time when everything was hectic and at the same time lovely and enjoyable. I feel like I'm trudging through molasses these days.

I had some wine tonight and that's relaxed me. It also gave the sniffles... hmmph.

Life isn't fair

Another wonderful life has been snuffed out. A beautiful person who carried with her a piece of my being has left us all. Yet again, the shroud of protection around me from birth is being chipped away and left open to the cold. I'm not replacing people or places or things. I'm clinging to the past, the love, the warmth.

The more people leave and depart, whether voluntary or involuntary, the more inward I turn. Licking my own wounds is easier to do than expecting others to do it. I'm a sad, sad person right now. I mourn her life, as well as everything that she represented: the ones who have gone before. All that could have been, all that was and all that was supposed to be. Plans are cancelled. Dreams stunted. Time stops when someone leaves. It's silent for just a moment and then WHOOSH! the world passes the event by and it's suddenly yesterday's news. I wish it would just slow down and provide me with time to grieve.

Contentment

I am where I am right now due to all of the choices and decisions made in my past and where I will go will for the most part depend on all of the planning I have completed for the future.

While I do not take my current situation for granted, I am not as content as I think I could be. The true definition for me of unhappiness is thinking there is a place better than the one you're in. I never planned to have my life the way it is now and perhaps that's why it is the way it is now.

I work hard. I am a nice person. I don't take huge risks. I have grown to believe in myself. I am independent. I don't know when I will be able to relax and be content with my life. It just is. And I accept it. It's not better than my father's or my grandfather's life. In many ways, it's actually worse. I feel like they worked in vain trying to make my life better, easier, more "whatever". And I have squandered it by not planning and not knowing. In a way, not caring.

I've made poor decisions by not deciding.

Being paralyzed by fear and rejection, embarrassment and ridicule. From people I don't even like or care about.

I thought my life would be so different than it is now. Ask me how and I don't know the details. I just feel like I am spinning my wheels.

A late fee and a revelation

So I have a late fee since I haven't paid my one (count it, people, ONE!!!!) actively used credit card on time. I seriously don't have a clue what happened. You would think with only one card, I would remember to pay on time and in full. Oh well. I will call them tonight and work something out. I checked online and the last time I paid late (and called and got the late charge taken off) was after Christmas 2008. January, to be exact. So at least it's not recent.

In other news, I was looking through some old photos of myself and realized that I don't look the same as before. Before what? Before everything. The layoff, the family issues, the pain, the stress, the sleeping too much replaced by the sleeping too little, the not eating right, the not exercising. My skin doesn't glow anymore, my hair is blah. In a way, everything that has happened to me could not go unnoticed to my appearance. I just didn't realize how much it had.

I used to look at people like me and think "Gosh, what happened?" Life, that's what happens.

I got excited about something so small this weekend: planning it and making choices. It felt so foreign yet so good. I think when my life became dictated by everyone else, I sort of gave up making choices and making myself feel better. I guess that should be my goal for the next month: Make more decisions and feel more in control of my life and thus, happier.