Life Gets In The Way

I have been laying low recently, hence the no blogging. I actually forgot I had a blog. Strange, I know.

I've been dealing with family issues and a family friend's death. I have experience with much family death, but each loved one's death I experience takes me back to the previous ones. And then I am mourning for them all. All over again. It's an exhausting process and grief is just something you have to go through to get through. This is the time that I yearn for my childhood - the time before any of my relatives passed away.

Death is so definite. One day you're talking and planning and yearning and the next you're not. I'm not goth or obsessed with death. It's been a part of my life for a while now and I am still searching for its meaning. I have listened to "On Death and Dying" twice in my car a few years ago. I'm thinking about putting it back on in heavy rotation.

Losing my job has been a grieving process. Now with these situations lumped on top, it's difficult to take on both every single day. Meetings at work where people gently tiptoe around the fact that I won't be there in a month's time make me feel more dead each day.

In Elisabeth Kubler-Ross' five stages of grieving, I believe I'm at depression when it comes to my job. I'm hoping acceptance will come in the next five weeks, but we shall see. I've been here for a while and now I'm depressed on a personal level.

Ms. Adulthood Goes to Washington

Check out Ask Mr. Credit Card's article on a new bill. I think Capitol Hill is monitoring my blog and just saw me lean towards paying off all of my cards in order to not pay interest and have them handy later. Reading this WSJ article makes me want to keep hoarding my cash instead!*

* My decision is vacillating each minute. 

Finally out of the red! (well, sort of)

Technically, I am still about $14k in credit card debt, but Mint.com says my bottom line net worth is a cool $1,300. WOW. I'm chalking this up to a combo meal containing the following:

• I have been hoarding cash (like a krazy person - yes, krazy with a "k")
• Greatly reduced spending on my credit cards/spending at all (couponing is now a hobby, it's replaced clothes shopping and mindless eating!)
• And my 401(k) has been increasing in value with the recent upticks in the market

I should be happy, but I still have all that debt hanging over me.

I've been thinking about taking the (almost) $10k in cash I have and just wiping out the majority of my debt. This scares me because I still haven't had any interviews and don't have any job offers. And I have less than two months to go before I have to jump off the cliff of uncertainty! In a perfect world, I would pay off all of my debt and then go cash-only. However, if I don't have a job(s) lined up for income, then I will end up going back on the credit cards. And if I pay them all off, the card companies may lower my limits or shut down my cards - though I do believe this is better than the alternative: having them jack up the rates while I'm still carrying balances and not having any money to pay them down.

Of all the times in my life, I really wish I had a crystal ball right now. Or at least a Fairy Godmother. I truly can not stand making my own decisions.

And So It Goes...

I've had a rough week. Meetings that I am normally involved with are not including me. I feel shunned and rejected. My superior originally told me not to tell anyone of my impending doom and now it's all but obvious to the casual observer that my position is being phased out. 

I feel like those computer monitors at my last job that had painfully-jubilant "Y2K Ready!" stickers practically glued onto them years after the non-event. Once flat screens arrived, those dusty old monitors were toast. And I'm feeling burnt already.  I feel betrayed for having this "secret" be so apparent now. Everyone else in my division gets to stay - only I will go. It's tantamount to being picked last for kickball each and every day of grade school. I'm finding it harder and harder every day to drag myself to the office. I'm internalizing (nothing new) and need to "reframe" the situation, as they say. 

 

Or maybe I'm just bitter because some of my co-workers act blissfully ignorant of the economy and our company's position. While my priorities and decisions have changed radically, theirs seemed to have stayed on course. They still go out for lunches, still chase happiness with money in their fists, still need the newest, best and top-of-the-line items that the Jones' just bought. 

I drove home crying yesterday, feeling stripped of my duties at work and as though I were carrying the weight of the world. I felt sick that a simple job could make me so darn emotional. But I made a few calls, sopped up my tears and realized the more time I spend pitying my current situation, the less time I will have for making it better. 

Even though it's not like me, it's so much easier to have a pity party than to pick myself up by the bootstraps. 

Something's Gotta Give

So my expenses have diminished since finding out I'll be laid off. Not dramatically so. But I've definitely been more mindful of my spending. In a normal month, my current expenses are totaling around $2,100, including paying minimums on my credit cards. 

Broken out: 

- Rent: $777

- Utilities: $480 

- Groceries: $300* 

- Shopping: $160 

- Gas: $75 

- Restaurants: $50

- Credit cards: $300

*I know!! I'm only one person!! But I am working on a plan of combining coupons and sales. I promise!

These expenses would change in the following way once I become unemployed: 

- Rent: no real change; could take in roommate though to cut all expenses in half

- Utilities: would cut out lawn service, home phone and cable, leading to a drop of $220/mo. 

- Groceries: going down with time commitment and planning 

- Shopping: decrease; even though I still need clothes, I am looking into more cost-effective means [Goodwill, etc.]

- Gas: would decrease without driving to current job across town

- Restaurants: cooking at home 99.9% of time; no more work lunches out since I forget to pack a brown bag

- Credit cards: no change

Yes, I have grappled with the thought of implementing all of these changes now. But I hold out hope that I will not have to make these radical changes in my life just yet. I feel I can cross that bridge when I get there. While I may just be avoiding the inevitable, I can at least cherish what few months I have left with my familiar ever-employed life. And my cable tv. 

Finances

So here's where I stand, financially... 

debts: 

credit cards - $14k (interest rates ranging from 0% to 12.99%)

student loans - $10k (5.25% interest)

assets: 

cash - $7k

401k - $14k

car - used, no payments, little trade-in value

net worth: ($3k)

I recently came clean to my boyfriend about my credit and loan situation. That was a huge step in our relationship, but a much needed one. We were spending way too much together and only digging our debt holes bigger. He abhors debt and really hasn't been underwater at all. That made it harder. Though recently he was struggling with money a bit. Which made the coming clean easier. I figured that if he loved me through and through, he would love me with debt. The judgement comes from within, I know. But also from our family's standpoint, it's just not something to have or even share with others. 

The Background: I would have halved my credit card debt by now and been living on very little cash each week if it weren't for the fact that everyone in the news [read: Suze Orman and other bloggers] is reversing their thoughts on paying down credit. Oh, and it's a grave possibility that I am going to be unemployed soon. I've seen other bloggers call their credit card companies and have temporary six month freezes on interest charges. That's something I am definitely going to look into. I've never been shy about calling up my credit card companies. Now is not the time to be bashful. I learned that from my mom, who would call and ask for late payments and interest payments to be removed off of her cards and would get results. I've also been plotting on how best to use balance transfers if a company doesn't bend to my will. I will have more time once I'm jobless to analyze my plan of attack. For now, those are the numbers. 

Normally, I would want to set goals and plan for my credit to decrease and cash to increase by the end of the year, but I almost don't want to set myself up for failure. Once I have a job secured [working over 90 days], I will take most of my cash and pay down the debt. Then I will plan my numbers for year-end. No use in dawdling with figures with no cash coming in. But then again, I believe procrastination may have gotten me into the financial mess that I am in. And adults don't procrastinate. 

Definition

So how will I know when I have reached adulthood? My definition of adulthood is when I have: 

- no debt

- monetary responsibility

- a professional career

- separation in beliefs and needs from my parents

- and someone to share the rest of my life with

Simple enough. I threw that last one in just because everyone I know is either married or getting married and I am allowed to have some schoolgirl dreams invade my plan for adulthood.

There are plenty of step stones toward these goals that I must map out and accomplish before achieving it all.  My hope is that this blog keeps me accountable and provides me with external support along the way.