Monday, April 27, 2009

Revving the Engine, But There's No Fuel

Knowing I am going to be unemployed is a bit like nausea. Some days, I will forget it's every going to happen [okay, maybe not forget, but I distract myself enough to not notice it]. Other days, it's like staring down the hall of death row. The end is near and my fear is palpable. I can't sleep, don't exercise, and won't clean. All I can do is job search, cook and eat. Oh, and watch reality tv... while I can still afford cable.

This past weekend was a bad slump. I became emotional about everything and couldn't even put my mind at ease to sit down and edit resumes and write cover letters. I got a [much needed] haircut from a new-to-me [also much needed] stylist who got rave reviews. He couldn't style my hair to save his life. I didn't think he would change my entire look, but I went in thinking my mostly unmanageable hair would come out much better and it just didn't happen. My sky-high expectations were not met and I spent a lot of time and money there. I cried as soon I left the salon and most of the rest of the day and was just angry about everything and everyone. Weak, I know. I rolled everything I have been feeling in a newspaper and took it out on him and my hair. Thankfully, he did cut it well. So I styled it my way for work this morning and I think I'm over it. It just really scared me to think that a haircut could get to me so much. I just want a huge change - a new me - to appear and take over so I don't have to go through the rest of my life. Let someone else deal with the rejection and constant worrying. Let some other hack stay up all night for fear of the inevitable, only to have to rise and shine and go through another worthless day at the office.  

Nine weeks of work left. That reminds me of high school. I wish I could go back in time and only have nine weeks to go until the end of school; I would be on the completely opposite end of my feeling spectrum right now. But instead, I have that long until my position is collapsed into other employees and I am all but forgotten as a unique talented individual who added value to the firm.

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