Friday, July 31, 2009

A New Kind of Loneliness

I'm at that point... every week starts out well. Then at some point, I start talking to the walls. I watch TV and laugh, turning to the side and no one is there. I call my BF way too much.

I fear I need a pet so I don't turn into a crazy lady. But one would give way to two and so forth. And I would become the crazy cat lady (even though dogs are more my style). The truth is I've had pets before and pets are expensive. Like cars, they need servicing or repair at inopportune times. They're also hard to get off your hands, even at free-to-a-good-home prices.

I feel isolated. I feel alone. I feel like a tree that just fell down in a forest. No one's even telling me to get back up.

My friends are all at great points in their lives and I've grown apart from them. Okay, not totally their fault. I guess I have been busy with work so much that I've put my social life on the back burner. Now work has chewed me up and spit me out. And it's awfully hard to go with your tail between your legs back to your friends.

My family is too busy with their own drama to even pay attention to my needs. My mother hands the phone over to whoever else is present when I ask her questions about my career or claims to just not know what to do and sighs a lot. 'Cause that's helpful...

My BF is my saving grace. He's always there, always has been there. Always (I hope) will be there. He's unconditional at a time when my family's love has become conditional for strange and unexplainable reasons. I rely on him far too much and much too often. You could say he's my Romeo.

I need to strike out and create friendships. At a time when I'm feeling my most vulnerable, I must break out and become fearless. When the only thing pumping through my veins is fear.

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